John Patrick
LV Life Editor

For four of the most grueling years of my life, I worked at Disneyland. And despite the fact that toward the end it filled me with nothing but hate, I have found that some of the most entertaining stories I have ever heard are set in this unhappy place.

They are stories of unmitigated stupidity and disgusting calamity that beg the listener to let out a guilty laugh, which is most definitely at the expense of someone else. And while those who imparted these tales onto me may have embellished some elements for effect, I would like to think that each has its own truth to it, no matter how small, and is worthy of being shared with others.

Yoo-hoo and Bacon Bits

One summer evening a supervisor, having completed his nightly preparations, exited the office located under the bridge marking the entrance to Pirates of the Caribbean, and was greeted by a long line of people waiting for the ride.

Surveying the situation, his eyes were immediately met by those of a young Latino boy, who was approximately 10-years-old and dressed in full Adidas running wear.

As he looked into the child’s eyes, the supervisor realized that something didn’t seem right about this situation. Unable to chalk it up to déjà vu, he became very aware of the urgent look on the kid’s face.

In a flash, the kid bent over, dropped his pants and he began spraying projectile diarrhea all over. At the same time his parents started yelling at him, not because he was spewing feces resembling Yoo-hoo and Bacon Bits all over the crowd, but because at the same time, he was urinating all over his jogging pants.

Check please!

The Davy Crockett Explorer Canoes employees had a fascinating way of working things out so that 95 percent of them went on lunch at once, and they would always end up in the West Side Diner.

Located in a basement under Pirates of the Caribbean, the diner and its surrounding hallways had an aura of stale rot hanging in the air that employees would only half jokingly blame on the food.

Whenever the canoe kids laid siege to the diner, they tended to take one of the two wrap-around booths that graced the corners of the dining area – or at least this was the case up until the incident.

After having settled into their booth and beginning their meals, the canoe kids heard a loud snapping soundfrom above. A fragmented ceiling tile fell down onto their table and suddenly, as if from an episode of Super

Sloppy Double Dare, hordes of maggots began spilling out of the gaping hole above their heads.
You forgot your drumstick

Once at The World Famous Jungle Cruise, a woman who stood about four feet high, weighed at least 400 pounds, and possessed all the gentle grace of a forest troll won the title of most distinguished guest.
Her stature, and the resulting disabilities, caused her great difficulty in getting on the ride. But nothing could compare to the ill fated events that transpired as she attempted to hoist herself from the ride.

As the boat shimmied and shook, the dockhands did their best to assist her in exiting… and as she rose, her poor, over-stretched skin, which had apparently taken all that it could, finally gave way.

Under it’s own weight, her leg tore off at the knee while blood and fat came gushing out.

John Patrick, a junior journalism major, is LV Life editor of the Campus Times. He can be reached by e-mail at jpatrick@ulv.edu.