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The dark side of the tune
Campus Times
April 23, 2004
By previously naming Insane Clown Posse as the worst band of all time, Blender
magazine has already shown that it knows music. However, its recent list of
“The 50 Worst Songs of All Time” was way off the mark. Instead of
digging through the archives to find the most truly wretched recordings ever
expunged into the mass consciousness, the list was largely composed of novelty
tunes not meant to be taken seriously to begin with. When I think of “Worst
Songs” I don’t subscribe to Blender’s so-bad-they’re-good
view. My top 10 is comprised of songs from the so-bad-I-would-rather-gulp-down-a-jar-of-week-old-warm-feces-than-have-to-listen-to-them-again
ilk. Surprisingly, none of my picks made the Blender list, so here they are
for your listening pleasure.
10) The Darkness: “Believe In A Thing Called Love” Yes, I
know. This song is inexplicably a massive hit. But, have you really listened
to it? Sure, Justin Hawkins has the falsetto down pat, but why is that a good
thing? Sorry, guys, I believe in a thing called letting rooster-rock rest in
peace.
9) Los Del Rio: “Macarena” Once, this was a Cinco De
Mayo standard. Now, is the most surefire way to make your guests leave your
party. This square-dance routine for drunken Mexicans was neither sensual nor
fun, and stripped of that, and the alcohol, this song just blows.
8) Baha Men: “Who Let the Dogs Out” More like who put this
song out? Doomed one-hit wonders the Baha Men are still laughing their way to
the bank, as they garnered a massive hit with their ode to…actually, I
don’t know what the hell it’s about. These guys sold a lot of copies
of this putrid record, but I don't know anyone who will fess up to buying one.
I’m not worried about offending any fans of this track, because if you
own this, chances are you’re not much of a reader.
7) The Offspring: “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” People who
thought “Malibu’s Most Wanted” was funny still laugh at this
laborious yarn about a white guy who acts black. But those of us whose IQs aren’t
single digit know that there is nothing clever, witty, or goofy about this moronic
ditty. Dexter Holland once said that his fans weren’t intelligent enough
to understand the subtle brilliance of his lyrics. Well, he was right, because
the meathead frat boys who made this song a hit really are idiots.
6) Queen: “Bohemian Rhapsody” Before you start firing off
angry e-mails, do something for me. Forget all about the driving scene from
“Wayne’s World.” Do not consider Queen’s status as certified
rock legends. Ignore the legions of bands who praise Queen as an influence.
Hold your pity about Freddie Mercury’s tragic demise. Put all that aside,
and just listen carefully to the song. Is it a rock anthem? Is it an operatic
piece? Dude, it’s just freaking stupid.
5) Lee Greenwood: “God Bless The U.S.A.” Our country had
just faced the worst tragedy we have seen on our soil, and our perception of
security and serenity was forever altered. So, how did we raise our heads high
and spit a red, white, and blue loogie in the face of international terrorism?
We made this sappy anthem for flag-waving hillbillies a hit. The “at least
I know I’m free” line is laughable when you consider how many inalienable
rights we have surrendered since Sept. 11. This song doesn’t make me proud
to be an American. It makes me want to move to Canada, because if this is how
America sounds, then America sucks.
4) The Simpsons: “Do The Bartman” Many of you are fortunate
to forget “The Simpsons Sing the Blues,” a disc of original songs
by “Simpsons” cast members that hit stores during the initial wave
of the show’s merchandising blitzkrieg. See, the Bartman was a dance that
Bart’s long-abandoned alter ego did, and this song showed you how to do
it. Unlike the show that spawned it. “Do The Bartman” was neither
funny nor brilliant, it was embarrassing.
3) Beastie Boys: “Girls” Considering that “Brass Monkey”
was basically about drugging girls and raping them, that one could also be a
strong contender for this slot. But it is “Girls” (or as they say
in the song, “goils”) that demonstrates how far removed the sophomoric
“Licensed To Ill”-era Beastie Boys are from the respected artists
they later became. Never before had a song about such a wonderful thing sounded
so unappealing. You know a song is horrible when the band is embarrassed by
its existence. If you need proof of this, scan the track listing for the Beastie
Boys greatest hits anthology and tell me if you notice anything missing.
2) Cher: “Believe” The surgery-infused, formaldehyde-reeking,
forever-retiring cackling mummy known simply as Cher had already earned her
slot in the hall of awful fame with her terrifyingly unsexy video for “If
I Could Turn Back Time.” But with “Believe,” she screeched her
way to new lows of tunelessness, and made every other piece of music on KIIS-FM
sound genius by comparison. There is a Hell, friends, and this song echoes through
its fiery corridors.
1) Kottonmouth Kings featuring Insane Clown Posse: “Wickit
Klowns” What do you get when you team the worst musical group of all
time up with a group of weed-breathing pretty -fly white guys? You get the worst
piece of artless vomit ever committed to acetate. When music is this dumb, you’re
not even surprised that they spelled both words in the title wrong. Over a decidedly
unfunky beat that a monkey could hammer out on a drum machine, a half-dozen
jackasses try their hardest to convince us they’re the hardest dudes on
the planet, but Li’l Bow Wow sounds more convincing when he says it. Lyrical
gems on this track include “Comin’ like a ticking ticking time bomb/tick,
tick/boom, muthafu**a.” Whoa, guys, slow down; you’re blowing my mind.
Juggalos world-wide no doubt soiled themselves when they heard this track. However,
the rancid mess in their pants has more creative brilliance and artistic merit
than “Wickit Klowns.”
If you have a top-10 lame songs list, I’d love to see it, so send it
my way. But, for God’s sake, no mix tapes, please.
Taylor Kingsbury, a senior media analysis major, is a columnist for the
Campus Times. He can be reached by e-mail at happyendingrocks@hotmail.com.
