Pondering life's exits
Campus Times
May 10, 2002
Four more exits 'till my apartment,
I am tempted to keep the car in drive,
And leave it all behind.
John Mayer
Today marks the two-week countdown. In 14 days, my safety nets, which
have caught me so many times in the past four years, will be cut down, and
I will be expected to figure "it" out for myself.
I will take down the pictures in my dorm room and turn my keys over
to the housing staff for the last time. My mail key will be given back to
Ernie, and I will check my email for one last time as a student. The day
is quickly approaching, May 24, 2002, and regardless of what tricks I pull
to resist my impending future, I will wake up one day, very soon and finally
realize that my future has arrived.
Once upon a time, when this day existed only on loan documents and collegiate
questionnaires, I believed that this would be a period of time in my life
when I would have everything figured out.
Job, life plans, friends, family relationships. Everything around my
existence would be working harmoniously, because once I graduate college,
my life was to begin.
Soon, I once thought, I would become a responsible, industrious adult.
How fun. Realistically, though, another thought lingered more dominantly
in the back of my mind, that I would have no idea with what to do next with
my life, and I knew, even back then, that I would feel lost, undirected
and uncertain about the weeks leading up to graduation.
No more tests, lectures, papers or professors to guide my progress.
It will just be I, all alone and singular, to sift through life and all
of its experiences.
What scares me most is that my future has me fighting up stream, and
whether I choose to jump ship and swim toward the safety raft will not matter
because (dramatic pause) that safety device never existed in the first place.
It feels strange to be in this position because I never anticipated
in feeling like it does. It is entirely surreal.
And for all of those underclassmen who are reading this column I offer
this advice... OK maybe I do not have any advice to give because I cannot
even decide how to live my own life. And because of my hesitancy to embrace
this momentous occasion, I am keeping my car in drive and "leaving
it all behind."
Everybody is a stranger,
But that's the danger,
Of going my own way.
John Mayer
My hesitancy lies in what will change in my life, and I suppose this
is the danger I fear the most. I think about the the newsrooms I will walk
into, and how I will always compare them to the days and nights I enjoyed
working on Campus Times. I fear the coworkers I will encounter in my career,
and how they might not be as special as those I work with today. Will they
make me laugh off the stress and rub my back when I need it most? Inevitably
I will never have the closeness of a living situation as I do now, and down-the-hall
friendships that were once my oasis of sanity will never be as easy to maintain
and develop, and I know this will be the biggest danger of "going my
own way."
'I wonder sometimes about the outcome,
Of a still verdictless life
Am I living it right?
John Mayer
The cap and gown will soon arrive. The announcements will be sent to
relatives and family members. I will walk across the stage when my name
is read, and I will drive away from the parking lot one last time.
The outcome of my life will find its way into my existence. Maybe it
will not arrive in a present I receive within the days following graduation,
but I will be patient. Knowing the verdict of something before it is announced
would probably not allow me to be "living it right" anyways.
Ryan MacDonald, a senior journalism major, is editor in chief of
the Campus Times. He can be reached by e-mail at macdonar@ulv.edu.u.
